Nukes for Breakfast
by Emily Martha Sorensen
[United Nations]
To the United States:
We have intercepted the nuclear warhead you sent to North Korea. Please do not do that again.
[United Nations]
To North Korea:
We have intercepted the nuclear warhead you sent to the United States. Please do not do that again.
Sincerely,
United Nations
[United Nations Dragon Riders]
You stupid idiots! We’re just going to eat everything you launch!
[Group Comm]
Kathe, rider of Incineration:
Told you all those mutual defense pacts were going to be a problem.
[United Nations]
We now issue an official warning that World War III is attempting to begin. Please do not panic. The United Nations Dragon Riders have prepared for this day, and will prevent any damage.
[Group Comm]
Samesh, rider of Ignition:
I think they’re overestimating what we can do with only five dragons.
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Why didn’t we demand more in the Dragon Defense Pact?
[Group Comm]
Ekon, rider of Combustion:
The queen wouldn’t budge any higher. I can’t say I blame her, honestly. Volunteering five for permanent guard duty in our world was pretty generous. All the dragons get out of the deal is to eat our spent nuclear fuel rods, and they know it’s toxic garbage we can’t figure out how to store safely.
[Group Comm]
Kathe, rider of Incineration:
Uh, speaking of which . . .
[United Nations Dragon Riders]
To all countries of the world:
Our dragons’ stomach capacities are not unlimited. If too many nuclear warheads are released, our dragons will vomit. We assure you, you do not wish to have nuclear vomit spewed across a major city. Stop launching nukes.
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Two more got launched.
[Group Comm]
Kathe, rider of Incineration:
Guys, Cin’s full now. Do I send him to Antarctica to vomit, or do I ground him?
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Ground him. We’ve still got the capacity for another twelve nukes between us.
[Group Comm]
Samesh, rider of Ignition:
Make that ten.
[Group Comm]
Wang Lei, rider of Cremation:
Nine.
[Group Comm]
Ekon, rider of Combustion:
Eight.
[Group Comm]
Wang Lei, rider of Cremation:
Uh, guys, I’m not sure we’re helping anything. I’m pretty sure the politicians with their fingers on the buttons keep assuming that we’ll eat anything they launch, so not launching nukes when everyone else is doing it makes them look weak.
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Well, what are we supposed to do? Stop?
[Group Comm]
Samesh, rider of Ignition:
Yeah, about that . . . Ig’s full.
[Group Comm]
Wang Lei, rider of Cremation:
So’s Crem.
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Blast! So’s Flag.
[Group Comm]
Kathe, rider of Incineration:
Want me to send Cin to vomit in Antarctica?
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Not yet! Ekon, how’s Bust?
[Group Comm]
Ekon, rider of Combustion:
Getting pretty full.
[Private Comm]
Queen of the Dragons:
If you convince your leaders to open the portal, I will send more of my people to aid you
[Private Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
And what do you want in return?
[Private Comm]
Queen of the Dragons:
I merely want to help.
[Private Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Baloney!
[Private Comm]
Queen of the Dragons:
You realize that we dragons have nothing to lose if your world becomes a nuclear wasteland? In fact, we would benefit, because we can feed off nuclear energy instead of prey if needed, and that is much more convenient than having to hunt down puny creatures, so it would be a net gain.
[Private Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Except you couldn’t get here if we blew ourselves up, because we control the portal.
[Private Comm]
Queen of the Dragons:
I shall talk to your United Nations and see what they say.
[United Nations Dragon Riders]
To all countries of the world:
The next country to launch a nuclear warhead will receive a stomachful of nuclear dragon vomit upon their nation. STOP LAUNCHING NUKES NOW.
[Group Comm]
Ekon, rider of Combustion:
If they don’t listen, we’ll have to follow through.
[Group Comm]
Kathe, rider of Incineration:
Oh, I’m beyond ready to.
[United Nations]
To all citizens of the world:
The Queen of the Dragons has offered us the protection another four thousand additional dragons. She will explain what is needed to receive one stationed above your city.
[Group Comm]
Kathe, rider of Incineration:
Wait, what?
[Group Comm]
Wang Lei, rider of Cremation:
Four thousand?!
[Public Comm]
To all the people of Earth:
If you wish for permanent protection, you need only send up a firework or flare from your location. Any area that does so will receive the protection of one of my dragons immediately, and need never fear a nuclear holocaust again.
Sincerely,
Queen of the Dragons
[Group Comm]
Samesh, rider of Ignition:
Uh, guys . . . I’m starting to think the Dragon Defense Pact was never to our benefit in the first place. She knew that having shields in place would make our leaders more willing to use swords. And she knew that if the shields were insufficient, our only choice would be to capitulate.
[United Nations]
To all citizens of the world:
The portal to the dragon world is opening now. There is no need to fear. We will all be protected.
[Group Comm]
Alexei, rider of Conflagration:
Get to the portal! We have one shot to close it!
[Private Comm]
Queen of the Dragons:
Your human partners have outlived their usefulness now. Eat them.
[Private Comm]
Conflagration:
Incinerate:
Ignition:
Combustion:
Cremation:
Yes, Your Majesty.
[Public Comm]
To all my newest subjects:
I celebrate your wise decision, humans of Earth. We will now discuss the start of my reign.
Sincerely,
Queen of the Dragons and Sovereign of Earth
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