Riding the train

by Terry Smith

So…I had to take the train today. I was heading to New York to resurrect the after-birth of a magazine called “The National Lampoon”…..my idea was to call it WTF  …..the train was packed tighter than Celesta Geyer in a tank top and bicycle shorts…..I noticed however there was one seat that was inexplicably empty…..except for a solitary man sitting quietly with a hood covering his face, I assumed for privacy ….I squeezed my way over to him and asked if I could sit….he replied ” be my guest.”…to which I said ” As your guest could I ask you to please clear out the foyer?”It’s like an orgy out there and even Caligula wasn’t interested in the talent pool….. I thought I heard him laugh but the din was so penetrating that I was hearing thoughts that belonged to other people…..as I sat down I noticed he was playing solitaire with a deck the likes I had never seen before….the cards looked fragile and well worn like he had been playing for centuries…they seemed to be made of a material like the wings of butterflies or the petals from angels trumpet…..the diamonds glistened as if they were real, the hearts were upside down and appeared to be oozing ,the clubs all had the symbol for six to the third power and the spades….well I won’t even go there……the kings were all Henry the eight and the queens four of his wives…there was Catherine of Aragon…Anne Boleyn…Kathryn Howard…and Jane Seymour….all with their heads in their hands…literally …the jacks were ..Dempsey,Kerouac.Nicholson and Benny….and the others were all naked bodies bound and writhing in agony in numbers correlating with the numeral beside them….I sat down and started rambling as is my want to do about the magazine and that no one was off limits…no rules… an article about how when a man ages his penis goes from making a bad decision every five minutes to going to the bathroom with the same frequency….and one on feeding rapists to the sharks so they won’t bother the beach goers …and how they tried to use Lincoln as the first piggy bank…only pennies of coarse…..he listened quietly and never said a word ….then I pulled out my trusty flask and lit a joint…[ I offered of coarse but with a waive of his hand he politely declined ]….the weed made me hungry so I pulled out my briefcase full of cheeses and strawberries coated in chocolate to look like the kids game hangman …..he sat up at this point as if to gaze intently at what I was doing but I could not tell as his face was still obscured by the hood …just as I was laying everything out like some picnic in hell  I heard a voice as sweet as honey dripping off of chocolate coated ice-cream on a hot summers day….I was becoming a diabetic just listening to her…..finally I focused on the words she was saying….” May I ?” and I replied ” Of coarse!!” My heart was racing faster than a midgets at a tall women’s convention or a meth-addict sky diving with the FBI ….she sat down next to the man when somehow my pheromones covered her in a fine mist …her nostrils flared and nipples hardened like two bullets from a .38 special against the fabric of her dress….she bit into one of the strawberries , juice oozing down her lower lip….I had to adjust myself and noticed I had gum on the crotch of my pants from the underside of the table…when I felt a foot sliding up my thigh ….she smelled like the air after a thunderstorm and the iris’s of her eyes looked like the pupils had studied orgasms all their lives…and had totally destroyed the bell curve….she said she was a contortionist for a traveling kama sutra company in an off off  broadway play…I told her I was going to try to start a magazine…..finally we came to a stop and the mysterious man leaned over towards me and said…”You better get off here.”..”And take her with you”…there was something about him that made me feel as if I should do as he said so I took her by the hand and we exited the train….we were standing inside the station checking  the schedule for the earliest connecting train when all of the sudden there was a loud explosion …just out of sight of the station the train had crashed…killing everyone aboard ….realizing we were lucky to be alive we decided to share a hotel room for the night..and do all the depraved things one would do if they had just cheated death…..we took a taxi to the nearest Hilton … walked up to the desk where the clerk informed us that the hotel room was already paid for….as was the concierge.

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One Response to “Riding the train”

  1. Angela Bennett Says:

    Loved it!
    Kept me on the edge of my seat.
    It felt Dark, mysterious, sexy.

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